Cause and effect

So by now most of you reading my blog know I was in an accident . I had my follow up appointment and the doctor said I was healing very well but that I could still not bear any weight on my left leg at all. However I can put minor weight on my right leg which helps a great deal with me getting up and out of bed , in and out of the wheel chair , and many other tasks.  So I have another follow up appointment onnoctober 21st!! Hopefully if I have enough bone growth I can begin physical therapy !! Hearing this news was like a weight was lifter off my shoulders , knowing that this situation was snot permanent and I could resume normal activities and lifestyle . 

So here is a x-Ray of my pelvic region if you notice I now have a permeant screw in my upper left area. This was completely broken , then my lower pelvic region which is my sacrum and Punic bone were also both broken causing my left hip to actually just float around . With the acre in place the doctors are hoping it is stabilizing my pelvic bone enough that the other fractures can heal normally.

So I have been struggling with some anxiety though. I have been told by many that being in a car and eventually driving would been very hard for me and I might have difficulty , I found it hard to believe considering I don't have any memory of the actual accident or being removed from my car by the jaws of life. However I soon realized that it would be difficult to transition back into driving . 

I was in the car on several occasions going to and from appointments where I was nervous and actually had panic attacks when cars pulled out on front of the car I was riding in. It was a sudden feeling of right chest , panic , and just terror. I began breathing rapidly and began to cry . I realized no matter how undefeated mentally I thought I was by all this that it actually had more impact on me than I thought. 

I am also dealing with frustration from being so immobile, not being able to do things on my own and just sheer helplessness. The fact that my family and boyfriend are having to take so much time and energy to take carbs of me , hand me items, and help me with such small things makes me feel like I am a burden on them. Yet they are constant reminding me that I am not , that they are grateful that I am alive and they would do anything for me. 

I have reached a point of acceptance I believe that I am so very lucky that not only I am alive and well , but that this is not permeant. I am taking this time to enjoy the little things like smells of My moms cooking , the truly beautiful skills my little sister has with her art , and just everything that I so easily took for granted before. I can say that this happened for a reason and although I am not sure why, I am not taking this for granted but learning to be a more paitent and appreciative person .

Her are just some of the people who have helped me without even being asked .

I do have to say I think everyone has insecurities in life. Weather it be with their looks, career , or relationship  I had some of my very own. I am in a relationship and have been for awhile now. I knew since the moment I met this man that he was kind , loving, and generous. Even with him showing the love no other has and probing to me time and time again that he loved me I still in the back of my mind had thoughts he might not like the way I looked , or he may leave me one day. In this situation without hesitation he was there , from the date of the accident and every day since he has not left my side . He has given up sleep and personal time to make sure I am okay, I am fed, and happy.  I know that I can doubt myself and others for no good reason at times but I can not doubt the fact that he loves me , he really loves me. How couldn't I have seen it before? I don't know maybe it's just a girl thing lol. I feel I have been selfish and unappreciative to all those in my life not just my love that I have taken for granted the time they give up for me and this has just shown me to never so that again. To appreciate all the small things and be grateful that I have such a sting support system. I am only sad to say that I have no idea how to ever thank my love , my family , and my great friends that have stuck by me and helped support my progress. 

So to anyone who has ever suffered from any type of loss . Learn from it, do not see it as a reason to feel bad for yourself but enjoy the things you do have . I never thought that is be here like this but I do know now that I will go on from this point a better person than I was before .

So now that I've got all that off my chest lol I am going to get some rest. Goodnight everyone . :)