How are you?

How Are You?

       So all I hear now a days is how people think I am so strong and brave. How I shouldn't be alive and I am, that I am so positive and happy. Well for the most part thats true. I mean after the accident I truly did not have time to even think. Being in so much pain it consumed me, how I could not sleep because I could not get comfortable, or because I was having nightmares. Terrible vivid dreams either about me running from something or someone, being hurt, or just the worst things you could imagine would happen to you. It's like every time I closed my eyes I was living in an Criminal Minds episode but starring me. The sleep deprivation, and constant pain kept me and my mind occupied. Now, as the days go by so very slowly all I have is time. Time to think of all the medical bills pilling up , or how I am going to begin again. It's like a catch 22 because I am not allowed to work, but yet I need to pay bills. Then I cant work without having a car to get me to and from, but I have no money to get a car.

I know , I know I feel trivial worrying about things like cars and bills that can be paid overtime when I survived . I should be happy, and grateful that I am even here to have these worries. Yet the only thing I can do is postpone the inevitable. Not answering debt collectors phone calls, or avoiding monthly bill collectors. They say ignorance is bliss and it is , until the moment you are alone, the moment when you finally begin to enjoy catching up on your favorite shows on hulu, when your mind is clear and calm. Then it hits you like a wave, you owe $400 to finish paying off your car, you need to pay your cell phone, car insurance (for a car you no longer have), and somehow manage to help out with the numerous bills your loved ones are having to pay in your "absence".

When people ask me "how are you?" , all I have to say is "I've been better". I mean it's true, somedays I am happy and creative getting joy from drawing and crocheting. Then theres days like today. Days where I can not sleep, where I can not breathe. Where I feel the tension in my shoulders and back, you know that feeling. The one where where it feels like you're carrying around a sack of bricks. The thought of enjoying a warm smooth cup of tea and your favorite movie sickens you , because deep down somewhere inside of you , you are not okay. You feel guilty because everyone you love is working day in and out trying to make up for the lack of finances coming in. Trying to make it work, be supportive to you, take you out and make sure you are happy. For a moment you let yourself forget all the issues, all the pain, and trouble and you're happy.

As a girl you grow up watching fairy tales about love and life how if you want something bad enough you can make it happen. You watch as the beautiful, dressed in pink princess gets the guy and everything works out. They have a family and home, and they are "happy". They never tell you how difficult it is to find that person, much less how to find yourself. They don't tell you about credit scores, paying bills, or being domestic. How do you make it all work? How do you maintain everything you need to for your life and incorporate the others persons needs to? I'd like to know how, I feel as if I have failed. I try, I do to make my loved ones feel safe and happy. Doing little things that I can to make their life easier. Then sometimes it feels as if maybe they wouldn't have so many troubles if I wasn't around them? No not as in not around them or on earth. I just mean don't you ever feel like a burden?

When you find that one person that is right for you , the one that you want to spend the rest of your life with "you just know" they say. Well that came as a big disappointment to me, you see I thought once that I had that feeling and it was the farthest thing from correct even after three years. How silly are we to believe you just know right off the bat, just by meeting them, or looking into their eyes. For me and maybe only me it's not that simple. I've been on dates that went well and I thought yeah I could be with him , hanging out. Nothing much more to it. I have lived with someone, taken a trip, celebrated holidays and still I was wrong. How are you supposed to recover from that. How are you supposed to trust yourself the next time you " just know"? It was not until this year in September that I finally understood what they meant by "you just know". After my accident if you read my previous posts I talk about how scarred I was. How I woke up in an ambulance , in pain, and alone. Once second I was driving the next regaining consciousness. Even through everything I went through that day, week, and still to this month I am glad that it happened. You see I finally felt that feeling, that sureness and it was like nothing I have ever felt.

I remember the moment as if it just happened. I regained consciousness for the second or third time. I was in the Wilson hospital, still strapped to the gurney and pumped full of morphine. The first thought that I remember having was to call him. I needed him, that was all I wanted. I gave the nurse his number an waited. As I waited they attempted to roll me to check for lacerations and all that fun stuff they to do initially examine you after any accident. As the doctors attempted this I felt the most excruciating pain I had ever felt and begged them to stop moving me. Then it happened, I heard his voice. I could still feel the pain and hearing his voice but not being able to see him was even worse. I lifted my head off the gurney and with what little leeway I had to move around I saw him. It was then that it was an almost surreal feeling. I felt no pain, I heard no noise, all I felt was calm. That moment I knew. It's hard to explain if you haven't had a moment like that but let me just tell you in the best way that I can. I don't know if it was the fact that he dropped everything and rushed to me, or that he was there as he had always been that comforted me. Don't get me wrong I love my family but his face, his voice, his hug that was all I wanted and the only thing I could think about in that moment. I was scared and I knew that he would make it better. He had only proved to me time and time again that he would be there for me, but in that moment when he appeared it was a feeling no words can describe except " I just knew" , I knew that this man was the one for me. I knew that no matter what happened or would happen we could get through it. That feeling of sureness and love that we shared was all that I needed.

So it's hard to answer people when they ask me "how are you?" because I have my bad days where all I want to do is sit around and watch corny tv shows and be depressed , then other days all I can think about is that feeling. So obviously I can not tell someone asking me "how are you?" all of this , I mean jeez look how much I typed answering this. Saying "i've been better" or "I'm Okay" seems to just be the shorter and less time consuming answer.

*From this point on I will be blogging on Tumblr, its much more creative and lets me make my blog pretty! I'll post a link soon.