new blog

New Blog

So I started this blog as a form of therapy to help me overcome all the emotions and struggles I was facing after my accident. Now I feel that Im starting a new chapter in my life and so I am starting a new blog.

This is the link : http://wheelchairs-and-whimsy.tumblr.com

This blog lets me be more creative and plus its much prettier lol.

Hope you enjoy it!

How are you?

How Are You?

       So all I hear now a days is how people think I am so strong and brave. How I shouldn't be alive and I am, that I am so positive and happy. Well for the most part thats true. I mean after the accident I truly did not have time to even think. Being in so much pain it consumed me, how I could not sleep because I could not get comfortable, or because I was having nightmares. Terrible vivid dreams either about me running from something or someone, being hurt, or just the worst things you could imagine would happen to you. It's like every time I closed my eyes I was living in an Criminal Minds episode but starring me. The sleep deprivation, and constant pain kept me and my mind occupied. Now, as the days go by so very slowly all I have is time. Time to think of all the medical bills pilling up , or how I am going to begin again. It's like a catch 22 because I am not allowed to work, but yet I need to pay bills. Then I cant work without having a car to get me to and from, but I have no money to get a car.

I know , I know I feel trivial worrying about things like cars and bills that can be paid overtime when I survived . I should be happy, and grateful that I am even here to have these worries. Yet the only thing I can do is postpone the inevitable. Not answering debt collectors phone calls, or avoiding monthly bill collectors. They say ignorance is bliss and it is , until the moment you are alone, the moment when you finally begin to enjoy catching up on your favorite shows on hulu, when your mind is clear and calm. Then it hits you like a wave, you owe $400 to finish paying off your car, you need to pay your cell phone, car insurance (for a car you no longer have), and somehow manage to help out with the numerous bills your loved ones are having to pay in your "absence".

When people ask me "how are you?" , all I have to say is "I've been better". I mean it's true, somedays I am happy and creative getting joy from drawing and crocheting. Then theres days like today. Days where I can not sleep, where I can not breathe. Where I feel the tension in my shoulders and back, you know that feeling. The one where where it feels like you're carrying around a sack of bricks. The thought of enjoying a warm smooth cup of tea and your favorite movie sickens you , because deep down somewhere inside of you , you are not okay. You feel guilty because everyone you love is working day in and out trying to make up for the lack of finances coming in. Trying to make it work, be supportive to you, take you out and make sure you are happy. For a moment you let yourself forget all the issues, all the pain, and trouble and you're happy.

As a girl you grow up watching fairy tales about love and life how if you want something bad enough you can make it happen. You watch as the beautiful, dressed in pink princess gets the guy and everything works out. They have a family and home, and they are "happy". They never tell you how difficult it is to find that person, much less how to find yourself. They don't tell you about credit scores, paying bills, or being domestic. How do you make it all work? How do you maintain everything you need to for your life and incorporate the others persons needs to? I'd like to know how, I feel as if I have failed. I try, I do to make my loved ones feel safe and happy. Doing little things that I can to make their life easier. Then sometimes it feels as if maybe they wouldn't have so many troubles if I wasn't around them? No not as in not around them or on earth. I just mean don't you ever feel like a burden?

When you find that one person that is right for you , the one that you want to spend the rest of your life with "you just know" they say. Well that came as a big disappointment to me, you see I thought once that I had that feeling and it was the farthest thing from correct even after three years. How silly are we to believe you just know right off the bat, just by meeting them, or looking into their eyes. For me and maybe only me it's not that simple. I've been on dates that went well and I thought yeah I could be with him , hanging out. Nothing much more to it. I have lived with someone, taken a trip, celebrated holidays and still I was wrong. How are you supposed to recover from that. How are you supposed to trust yourself the next time you " just know"? It was not until this year in September that I finally understood what they meant by "you just know". After my accident if you read my previous posts I talk about how scarred I was. How I woke up in an ambulance , in pain, and alone. Once second I was driving the next regaining consciousness. Even through everything I went through that day, week, and still to this month I am glad that it happened. You see I finally felt that feeling, that sureness and it was like nothing I have ever felt.

I remember the moment as if it just happened. I regained consciousness for the second or third time. I was in the Wilson hospital, still strapped to the gurney and pumped full of morphine. The first thought that I remember having was to call him. I needed him, that was all I wanted. I gave the nurse his number an waited. As I waited they attempted to roll me to check for lacerations and all that fun stuff they to do initially examine you after any accident. As the doctors attempted this I felt the most excruciating pain I had ever felt and begged them to stop moving me. Then it happened, I heard his voice. I could still feel the pain and hearing his voice but not being able to see him was even worse. I lifted my head off the gurney and with what little leeway I had to move around I saw him. It was then that it was an almost surreal feeling. I felt no pain, I heard no noise, all I felt was calm. That moment I knew. It's hard to explain if you haven't had a moment like that but let me just tell you in the best way that I can. I don't know if it was the fact that he dropped everything and rushed to me, or that he was there as he had always been that comforted me. Don't get me wrong I love my family but his face, his voice, his hug that was all I wanted and the only thing I could think about in that moment. I was scared and I knew that he would make it better. He had only proved to me time and time again that he would be there for me, but in that moment when he appeared it was a feeling no words can describe except " I just knew" , I knew that this man was the one for me. I knew that no matter what happened or would happen we could get through it. That feeling of sureness and love that we shared was all that I needed.

So it's hard to answer people when they ask me "how are you?" because I have my bad days where all I want to do is sit around and watch corny tv shows and be depressed , then other days all I can think about is that feeling. So obviously I can not tell someone asking me "how are you?" all of this , I mean jeez look how much I typed answering this. Saying "i've been better" or "I'm Okay" seems to just be the shorter and less time consuming answer.

*From this point on I will be blogging on Tumblr, its much more creative and lets me make my blog pretty! I'll post a link soon.

First time driving since the accident

Today is great!

Today I finally drove for the first time in a few months. After the accident I rode in the car to and from appointments with lawyers , doctors, etc. I had panic attacks if the person driving stopped suddenly or a car cut them off. It felt like my breath was sucked out of me , like everything was in slow motion , and like it lasted for an hour. In reality it was in my mind , and only masters for a few seconds. I knew that I had to think rationally , I had to think about the five years I had driven and not gotten into an accident or had any issues . So finally the attack as stopped . 

Now onto the driving aspect , I wasn't sure how I would feel driving if I'd have a panic attack or how I'd feel. On top of that I was going to have to drive Stevens car .. His super nice mustang . Not only had I never driven a mustang , but it was the love of my life's car he loved . That is what made me really nervous lol. So today finally I just did it drove from my house to Sheetz and it felt amazing ! It feels even better to overcome a fear you have and realized that once you get out of your own head so many things are possible !!

Feeling brave , confident , and happy !!

Fall is here have no fear

Today marks exactly one month since my accident . I find myself looking back lately thinking of the last words I said to the people I loved , or how I treated people I didn't know. I think everyone wants to believe they are a good person but we all make mistakes . I know in my heart I try my hardest to be understanding and conscientious of others. Sometimes we are so busy that we let the little moments  slip by and maybe we weren't so kind to the person on the other end of the phone or at the stoplight. 

I have been feeling very anxious wanting to start physical therapy and move on from this accident . Yet I keep replaying he only memory I have from my accident over and over in my mind. I want to know what happene but everyone keeps telling me it's a blessing that you don't remember . Yet I still try and do not succeed . I see so many people much worse than myself weather it's from an accident , loss of a loved one, or a disease that they had no control over . I feel guilty for complaint about my minor issues compared to theirs . 

My thoughts are all over the place feeling anxious , angry, thankful, and guilty. It's this time of the night that I can not get to sleep thinking of all the things I still need to take care of . Making sure I said I love you to thoes in my life, wondering what if I had not missed my turn would I be here now like this?

As I lay here watching my handsome boyfriend and beautiful little brother sleep so peacefully that I wonder what they think about , have I been considering how this is effecting them ? So many thoughts , so many things runningn through my mind I just want all this to be over .. I want to resume my life . 

I was told if have good days and bad but I guess maybe I was in denial assuming no way I'm alive I won't have bad days. I find myself praying more often not asking god to do something for me , but to share his strength with me , share it with my family . I must admit before his accident I had sort of lost touch with god . Getting so caught up in my own life and things going on that I failed to approximate the fact that I am alive , that I can see and smell and speak when so many others can not. 

So my post for tonight I just want to thank god instead of asking him to do something for me . Thank him for allowing me to continue on in my life , thank him for allowing me to be so fortunate to have food , shelter, and loved ones around. I find myself taking things for granted less and maybe his was the wake up call that I needed. To slow down , appriciate all the rhinhs I have been blessed with this far and learn to be a happier person. To be more kind , paitient, and understanding. I was working so much and worrying so much about how much money I would make and what new things I could buy that I forgot the most important things of all. Things can be replaced people can not. I intend to take this life lesson and go on in my life treasuring every moment that I am blessed with to be able to spend with my family and friends.

I took this picture with my brother today, and in sharing this and his story with my new friend Elinor and her family I realized just how luck we are. So I want to thank you personally Elinor for teaching me that I should enjoy life and live every moment to the fullest !

My dear Elinor for such a small person you have taught me such a huge lesson. I just wanted to thank you <3 

<a href="http://www.hypersmash.com">www.hypersmash.com</a>

No pain no gain

ILast night and this morning were just awful! I have been experiencing tons of pain which I had not been in the previous weeks. According to my doctor that pain. Will come and go and until it's healed and I go to physical therapy it will not stop. 

My question is why if that is the case so you only prescribe me a tiny bit of pain meds? I generally only take ibuprofen of anything but I tell you this pain is causing lack of sleep, really making my mood go down, and just causing me not to want to move at all. 

Okay enough complaint for one day lol in other news only 14 days until my next follow up appointment at orthopedics east and hopefully I can start PT so I'm holding onto hope and the thought of regaining so movement and strngth back in my legs :)

Finally some good news too! My paperwork for aflac has been completed and turned in and I should be reviving the checks from them to pay off my steadily increasing med bills. At this moment it is at about $40,000 ...yikes I can't even fathom spring more than $20 on a shirt lol. 

Well any who today is pretty yucky outside rain and wind coming off the tropical storm. So I hope everyone has a fabulous day and thank you all for the prayers!

Funnel cakes and birthday parties

So today we celebrated my little brothers 11th birthday ! It was so very nice to be around family and see my brother so happy.  We went to the county fair and just watching him get so much enjoyment out of the rides and all the sights and sounds was amazing. I think of how I've been complianing of my troubles after my accident but today I want to take the time to celebrate not only my brothers birthday but him overcoming his own struggles. Everyday I think , I wish I could walk to the bathroom or walk at all never once considering what my brother goes through everyday of his life. 

Jacob was diagnosed with autism , hypomania, and add around his second birthday. He struggled to talk and just be a normal little boy. Everyday he struggles to deal with changes or things he can not understand and yet he still keeps that quirky little smile on his face. Everyone keeps telling me how positive I've been through this life changing process I am going through , but really I have no choice. There are plenty of people who have it worse than I do and I can not let this hiccup keep me negative . My brother has continuously been my strength , he keeps me grounded and humble. So today I wanted to write my post in dedication to you Jacob Rhodes . You are my life , helping me choose my career choice as a special education teacher , keeping me humble and unselfish , and most of all teaching me to love myself and everyone I meet for who they are not who the world thinks they should be. So happy birthday little brother and I am so grateful to be apart of your life !

Cause and effect

So by now most of you reading my blog know I was in an accident . I had my follow up appointment and the doctor said I was healing very well but that I could still not bear any weight on my left leg at all. However I can put minor weight on my right leg which helps a great deal with me getting up and out of bed , in and out of the wheel chair , and many other tasks.  So I have another follow up appointment onnoctober 21st!! Hopefully if I have enough bone growth I can begin physical therapy !! Hearing this news was like a weight was lifter off my shoulders , knowing that this situation was snot permanent and I could resume normal activities and lifestyle . 

So here is a x-Ray of my pelvic region if you notice I now have a permeant screw in my upper left area. This was completely broken , then my lower pelvic region which is my sacrum and Punic bone were also both broken causing my left hip to actually just float around . With the acre in place the doctors are hoping it is stabilizing my pelvic bone enough that the other fractures can heal normally.

So I have been struggling with some anxiety though. I have been told by many that being in a car and eventually driving would been very hard for me and I might have difficulty , I found it hard to believe considering I don't have any memory of the actual accident or being removed from my car by the jaws of life. However I soon realized that it would be difficult to transition back into driving . 

I was in the car on several occasions going to and from appointments where I was nervous and actually had panic attacks when cars pulled out on front of the car I was riding in. It was a sudden feeling of right chest , panic , and just terror. I began breathing rapidly and began to cry . I realized no matter how undefeated mentally I thought I was by all this that it actually had more impact on me than I thought. 

I am also dealing with frustration from being so immobile, not being able to do things on my own and just sheer helplessness. The fact that my family and boyfriend are having to take so much time and energy to take carbs of me , hand me items, and help me with such small things makes me feel like I am a burden on them. Yet they are constant reminding me that I am not , that they are grateful that I am alive and they would do anything for me. 

I have reached a point of acceptance I believe that I am so very lucky that not only I am alive and well , but that this is not permeant. I am taking this time to enjoy the little things like smells of My moms cooking , the truly beautiful skills my little sister has with her art , and just everything that I so easily took for granted before. I can say that this happened for a reason and although I am not sure why, I am not taking this for granted but learning to be a more paitent and appreciative person .

Her are just some of the people who have helped me without even being asked .

I do have to say I think everyone has insecurities in life. Weather it be with their looks, career , or relationship  I had some of my very own. I am in a relationship and have been for awhile now. I knew since the moment I met this man that he was kind , loving, and generous. Even with him showing the love no other has and probing to me time and time again that he loved me I still in the back of my mind had thoughts he might not like the way I looked , or he may leave me one day. In this situation without hesitation he was there , from the date of the accident and every day since he has not left my side . He has given up sleep and personal time to make sure I am okay, I am fed, and happy.  I know that I can doubt myself and others for no good reason at times but I can not doubt the fact that he loves me , he really loves me. How couldn't I have seen it before? I don't know maybe it's just a girl thing lol. I feel I have been selfish and unappreciative to all those in my life not just my love that I have taken for granted the time they give up for me and this has just shown me to never so that again. To appreciate all the small things and be grateful that I have such a sting support system. I am only sad to say that I have no idea how to ever thank my love , my family , and my great friends that have stuck by me and helped support my progress. 

So to anyone who has ever suffered from any type of loss . Learn from it, do not see it as a reason to feel bad for yourself but enjoy the things you do have . I never thought that is be here like this but I do know now that I will go on from this point a better person than I was before .

So now that I've got all that off my chest lol I am going to get some rest. Goodnight everyone . :)