new blog

New Blog

So I started this blog as a form of therapy to help me overcome all the emotions and struggles I was facing after my accident. Now I feel that Im starting a new chapter in my life and so I am starting a new blog.

This is the link : http://wheelchairs-and-whimsy.tumblr.com

This blog lets me be more creative and plus its much prettier lol.

Hope you enjoy it!

How are you?

How Are You?

       So all I hear now a days is how people think I am so strong and brave. How I shouldn't be alive and I am, that I am so positive and happy. Well for the most part thats true. I mean after the accident I truly did not have time to even think. Being in so much pain it consumed me, how I could not sleep because I could not get comfortable, or because I was having nightmares. Terrible vivid dreams either about me running from something or someone, being hurt, or just the worst things you could imagine would happen to you. It's like every time I closed my eyes I was living in an Criminal Minds episode but starring me. The sleep deprivation, and constant pain kept me and my mind occupied. Now, as the days go by so very slowly all I have is time. Time to think of all the medical bills pilling up , or how I am going to begin again. It's like a catch 22 because I am not allowed to work, but yet I need to pay bills. Then I cant work without having a car to get me to and from, but I have no money to get a car.

I know , I know I feel trivial worrying about things like cars and bills that can be paid overtime when I survived . I should be happy, and grateful that I am even here to have these worries. Yet the only thing I can do is postpone the inevitable. Not answering debt collectors phone calls, or avoiding monthly bill collectors. They say ignorance is bliss and it is , until the moment you are alone, the moment when you finally begin to enjoy catching up on your favorite shows on hulu, when your mind is clear and calm. Then it hits you like a wave, you owe $400 to finish paying off your car, you need to pay your cell phone, car insurance (for a car you no longer have), and somehow manage to help out with the numerous bills your loved ones are having to pay in your "absence".

When people ask me "how are you?" , all I have to say is "I've been better". I mean it's true, somedays I am happy and creative getting joy from drawing and crocheting. Then theres days like today. Days where I can not sleep, where I can not breathe. Where I feel the tension in my shoulders and back, you know that feeling. The one where where it feels like you're carrying around a sack of bricks. The thought of enjoying a warm smooth cup of tea and your favorite movie sickens you , because deep down somewhere inside of you , you are not okay. You feel guilty because everyone you love is working day in and out trying to make up for the lack of finances coming in. Trying to make it work, be supportive to you, take you out and make sure you are happy. For a moment you let yourself forget all the issues, all the pain, and trouble and you're happy.

As a girl you grow up watching fairy tales about love and life how if you want something bad enough you can make it happen. You watch as the beautiful, dressed in pink princess gets the guy and everything works out. They have a family and home, and they are "happy". They never tell you how difficult it is to find that person, much less how to find yourself. They don't tell you about credit scores, paying bills, or being domestic. How do you make it all work? How do you maintain everything you need to for your life and incorporate the others persons needs to? I'd like to know how, I feel as if I have failed. I try, I do to make my loved ones feel safe and happy. Doing little things that I can to make their life easier. Then sometimes it feels as if maybe they wouldn't have so many troubles if I wasn't around them? No not as in not around them or on earth. I just mean don't you ever feel like a burden?

When you find that one person that is right for you , the one that you want to spend the rest of your life with "you just know" they say. Well that came as a big disappointment to me, you see I thought once that I had that feeling and it was the farthest thing from correct even after three years. How silly are we to believe you just know right off the bat, just by meeting them, or looking into their eyes. For me and maybe only me it's not that simple. I've been on dates that went well and I thought yeah I could be with him , hanging out. Nothing much more to it. I have lived with someone, taken a trip, celebrated holidays and still I was wrong. How are you supposed to recover from that. How are you supposed to trust yourself the next time you " just know"? It was not until this year in September that I finally understood what they meant by "you just know". After my accident if you read my previous posts I talk about how scarred I was. How I woke up in an ambulance , in pain, and alone. Once second I was driving the next regaining consciousness. Even through everything I went through that day, week, and still to this month I am glad that it happened. You see I finally felt that feeling, that sureness and it was like nothing I have ever felt.

I remember the moment as if it just happened. I regained consciousness for the second or third time. I was in the Wilson hospital, still strapped to the gurney and pumped full of morphine. The first thought that I remember having was to call him. I needed him, that was all I wanted. I gave the nurse his number an waited. As I waited they attempted to roll me to check for lacerations and all that fun stuff they to do initially examine you after any accident. As the doctors attempted this I felt the most excruciating pain I had ever felt and begged them to stop moving me. Then it happened, I heard his voice. I could still feel the pain and hearing his voice but not being able to see him was even worse. I lifted my head off the gurney and with what little leeway I had to move around I saw him. It was then that it was an almost surreal feeling. I felt no pain, I heard no noise, all I felt was calm. That moment I knew. It's hard to explain if you haven't had a moment like that but let me just tell you in the best way that I can. I don't know if it was the fact that he dropped everything and rushed to me, or that he was there as he had always been that comforted me. Don't get me wrong I love my family but his face, his voice, his hug that was all I wanted and the only thing I could think about in that moment. I was scared and I knew that he would make it better. He had only proved to me time and time again that he would be there for me, but in that moment when he appeared it was a feeling no words can describe except " I just knew" , I knew that this man was the one for me. I knew that no matter what happened or would happen we could get through it. That feeling of sureness and love that we shared was all that I needed.

So it's hard to answer people when they ask me "how are you?" because I have my bad days where all I want to do is sit around and watch corny tv shows and be depressed , then other days all I can think about is that feeling. So obviously I can not tell someone asking me "how are you?" all of this , I mean jeez look how much I typed answering this. Saying "i've been better" or "I'm Okay" seems to just be the shorter and less time consuming answer.

*From this point on I will be blogging on Tumblr, its much more creative and lets me make my blog pretty! I'll post a link soon.

First time driving since the accident

Today is great!

Today I finally drove for the first time in a few months. After the accident I rode in the car to and from appointments with lawyers , doctors, etc. I had panic attacks if the person driving stopped suddenly or a car cut them off. It felt like my breath was sucked out of me , like everything was in slow motion , and like it lasted for an hour. In reality it was in my mind , and only masters for a few seconds. I knew that I had to think rationally , I had to think about the five years I had driven and not gotten into an accident or had any issues . So finally the attack as stopped . 

Now onto the driving aspect , I wasn't sure how I would feel driving if I'd have a panic attack or how I'd feel. On top of that I was going to have to drive Stevens car .. His super nice mustang . Not only had I never driven a mustang , but it was the love of my life's car he loved . That is what made me really nervous lol. So today finally I just did it drove from my house to Sheetz and it felt amazing ! It feels even better to overcome a fear you have and realized that once you get out of your own head so many things are possible !!

Feeling brave , confident , and happy !!

Fall is here have no fear

Today marks exactly one month since my accident . I find myself looking back lately thinking of the last words I said to the people I loved , or how I treated people I didn't know. I think everyone wants to believe they are a good person but we all make mistakes . I know in my heart I try my hardest to be understanding and conscientious of others. Sometimes we are so busy that we let the little moments  slip by and maybe we weren't so kind to the person on the other end of the phone or at the stoplight. 

I have been feeling very anxious wanting to start physical therapy and move on from this accident . Yet I keep replaying he only memory I have from my accident over and over in my mind. I want to know what happene but everyone keeps telling me it's a blessing that you don't remember . Yet I still try and do not succeed . I see so many people much worse than myself weather it's from an accident , loss of a loved one, or a disease that they had no control over . I feel guilty for complaint about my minor issues compared to theirs . 

My thoughts are all over the place feeling anxious , angry, thankful, and guilty. It's this time of the night that I can not get to sleep thinking of all the things I still need to take care of . Making sure I said I love you to thoes in my life, wondering what if I had not missed my turn would I be here now like this?

As I lay here watching my handsome boyfriend and beautiful little brother sleep so peacefully that I wonder what they think about , have I been considering how this is effecting them ? So many thoughts , so many things runningn through my mind I just want all this to be over .. I want to resume my life . 

I was told if have good days and bad but I guess maybe I was in denial assuming no way I'm alive I won't have bad days. I find myself praying more often not asking god to do something for me , but to share his strength with me , share it with my family . I must admit before his accident I had sort of lost touch with god . Getting so caught up in my own life and things going on that I failed to approximate the fact that I am alive , that I can see and smell and speak when so many others can not. 

So my post for tonight I just want to thank god instead of asking him to do something for me . Thank him for allowing me to continue on in my life , thank him for allowing me to be so fortunate to have food , shelter, and loved ones around. I find myself taking things for granted less and maybe his was the wake up call that I needed. To slow down , appriciate all the rhinhs I have been blessed with this far and learn to be a happier person. To be more kind , paitient, and understanding. I was working so much and worrying so much about how much money I would make and what new things I could buy that I forgot the most important things of all. Things can be replaced people can not. I intend to take this life lesson and go on in my life treasuring every moment that I am blessed with to be able to spend with my family and friends.

I took this picture with my brother today, and in sharing this and his story with my new friend Elinor and her family I realized just how luck we are. So I want to thank you personally Elinor for teaching me that I should enjoy life and live every moment to the fullest !

My dear Elinor for such a small person you have taught me such a huge lesson. I just wanted to thank you <3 

<a href="http://www.hypersmash.com">www.hypersmash.com</a>

No pain no gain

ILast night and this morning were just awful! I have been experiencing tons of pain which I had not been in the previous weeks. According to my doctor that pain. Will come and go and until it's healed and I go to physical therapy it will not stop. 

My question is why if that is the case so you only prescribe me a tiny bit of pain meds? I generally only take ibuprofen of anything but I tell you this pain is causing lack of sleep, really making my mood go down, and just causing me not to want to move at all. 

Okay enough complaint for one day lol in other news only 14 days until my next follow up appointment at orthopedics east and hopefully I can start PT so I'm holding onto hope and the thought of regaining so movement and strngth back in my legs :)

Finally some good news too! My paperwork for aflac has been completed and turned in and I should be reviving the checks from them to pay off my steadily increasing med bills. At this moment it is at about $40,000 ...yikes I can't even fathom spring more than $20 on a shirt lol. 

Well any who today is pretty yucky outside rain and wind coming off the tropical storm. So I hope everyone has a fabulous day and thank you all for the prayers!

Funnel cakes and birthday parties

So today we celebrated my little brothers 11th birthday ! It was so very nice to be around family and see my brother so happy.  We went to the county fair and just watching him get so much enjoyment out of the rides and all the sights and sounds was amazing. I think of how I've been complianing of my troubles after my accident but today I want to take the time to celebrate not only my brothers birthday but him overcoming his own struggles. Everyday I think , I wish I could walk to the bathroom or walk at all never once considering what my brother goes through everyday of his life. 

Jacob was diagnosed with autism , hypomania, and add around his second birthday. He struggled to talk and just be a normal little boy. Everyday he struggles to deal with changes or things he can not understand and yet he still keeps that quirky little smile on his face. Everyone keeps telling me how positive I've been through this life changing process I am going through , but really I have no choice. There are plenty of people who have it worse than I do and I can not let this hiccup keep me negative . My brother has continuously been my strength , he keeps me grounded and humble. So today I wanted to write my post in dedication to you Jacob Rhodes . You are my life , helping me choose my career choice as a special education teacher , keeping me humble and unselfish , and most of all teaching me to love myself and everyone I meet for who they are not who the world thinks they should be. So happy birthday little brother and I am so grateful to be apart of your life !

Cause and effect

So by now most of you reading my blog know I was in an accident . I had my follow up appointment and the doctor said I was healing very well but that I could still not bear any weight on my left leg at all. However I can put minor weight on my right leg which helps a great deal with me getting up and out of bed , in and out of the wheel chair , and many other tasks.  So I have another follow up appointment onnoctober 21st!! Hopefully if I have enough bone growth I can begin physical therapy !! Hearing this news was like a weight was lifter off my shoulders , knowing that this situation was snot permanent and I could resume normal activities and lifestyle . 

So here is a x-Ray of my pelvic region if you notice I now have a permeant screw in my upper left area. This was completely broken , then my lower pelvic region which is my sacrum and Punic bone were also both broken causing my left hip to actually just float around . With the acre in place the doctors are hoping it is stabilizing my pelvic bone enough that the other fractures can heal normally.

So I have been struggling with some anxiety though. I have been told by many that being in a car and eventually driving would been very hard for me and I might have difficulty , I found it hard to believe considering I don't have any memory of the actual accident or being removed from my car by the jaws of life. However I soon realized that it would be difficult to transition back into driving . 

I was in the car on several occasions going to and from appointments where I was nervous and actually had panic attacks when cars pulled out on front of the car I was riding in. It was a sudden feeling of right chest , panic , and just terror. I began breathing rapidly and began to cry . I realized no matter how undefeated mentally I thought I was by all this that it actually had more impact on me than I thought. 

I am also dealing with frustration from being so immobile, not being able to do things on my own and just sheer helplessness. The fact that my family and boyfriend are having to take so much time and energy to take carbs of me , hand me items, and help me with such small things makes me feel like I am a burden on them. Yet they are constant reminding me that I am not , that they are grateful that I am alive and they would do anything for me. 

I have reached a point of acceptance I believe that I am so very lucky that not only I am alive and well , but that this is not permeant. I am taking this time to enjoy the little things like smells of My moms cooking , the truly beautiful skills my little sister has with her art , and just everything that I so easily took for granted before. I can say that this happened for a reason and although I am not sure why, I am not taking this for granted but learning to be a more paitent and appreciative person .

Her are just some of the people who have helped me without even being asked .

I do have to say I think everyone has insecurities in life. Weather it be with their looks, career , or relationship  I had some of my very own. I am in a relationship and have been for awhile now. I knew since the moment I met this man that he was kind , loving, and generous. Even with him showing the love no other has and probing to me time and time again that he loved me I still in the back of my mind had thoughts he might not like the way I looked , or he may leave me one day. In this situation without hesitation he was there , from the date of the accident and every day since he has not left my side . He has given up sleep and personal time to make sure I am okay, I am fed, and happy.  I know that I can doubt myself and others for no good reason at times but I can not doubt the fact that he loves me , he really loves me. How couldn't I have seen it before? I don't know maybe it's just a girl thing lol. I feel I have been selfish and unappreciative to all those in my life not just my love that I have taken for granted the time they give up for me and this has just shown me to never so that again. To appreciate all the small things and be grateful that I have such a sting support system. I am only sad to say that I have no idea how to ever thank my love , my family , and my great friends that have stuck by me and helped support my progress. 

So to anyone who has ever suffered from any type of loss . Learn from it, do not see it as a reason to feel bad for yourself but enjoy the things you do have . I never thought that is be here like this but I do know now that I will go on from this point a better person than I was before .

So now that I've got all that off my chest lol I am going to get some rest. Goodnight everyone . :)

The aftermath

So I've been writing you all to tell you the story of my accident . It's such a long story so I am going to summarize lol. 

I had surgery to my pelvic bone while at vidant. After all the X-rays and CAT scans it was determined that I had broken my pelvic bone in three places . One fracture on my right side of my pelvis not compete break , a full beak on my front left pelvic bone and on the back part of my pelvic bone. I also broke my pubic bone . 

So I had surgery to place a screw and metal plate on the back part of my

Pelvis to hold it all together . I am now in a wheelchair until the follow upnxrays show enough bone growth to put weight on my legs . From that point incannstart physical therapy. 

Going through this has been a big change and hard to adapt to living unable to walk . I have to use an extended each tool , a bedside toilet, and my wheelchair.  It has been hard learning how to use these tools to better move around and help myself do things.

The biggest thing I am learning is to remain positive. There are so many people worse off than me that I need to keep in mind I am lucky to even be here. Daily I go through so many emotions from anger , depression, happiness etc and it is takin gm a roll on my mental status. 

The little things that used to annoy me are nothing. Anymore compared to the bigs things I am now facing. I ammsongratefuk to have my family by my side helping me through this and my loving boyfriend.  Overall I will be using this blog to keep myself sane lol and to record my progress . Hopefully this blog will help other people in my situation feel comforted by the fact they are not alone in what they are feeling .

So as of now I am so tired from today I am hitting the sack lol . Thank you all for reading and keeping me in your prayers.

September 11th : Part two

                      Part Two

As I said before riding in the ambulance on my way to the hospital in Greenville was very difficult . Hitting ever bump feeling every broken bone pop sending sharp bursts of pain through my body. At this point I still had not completely comprehended just how bad my wreck was and what condition my body was in. Closing my eyes praying I would just make it to the hospital already I tried to stay calm. I heard people talking asking question but not completely understanding what they were saying I managed to look over to my left and realized there wa a woman in the same straps and neck brace as me . She seemed very coherent and aware answering questions and staying calm. I honestly thought I had imagined the other person in the ambulance with me , it wasn't until days later that I realized she was real and was the other victim of the accident.

I knew we had arrived at the second hospital as the brakes slammed and the can of the ambulance shook. I must have floated out of consciousness agiain because the next thing I remember is being in a room with steven standing next to me . The next couple of hours are very fuzzy , seeing many faces only knowing one of the. Which was Stevens . 

I remember being in the room having more leads and ivs attar he's to my body monitoring my heart , respiration, and providing me with fluids and pain medicine. I remember waking up again and having mom next to me . I felt confused all over again and still having ytrouble speaking and now breathing . 

As I laid there it felt as if my lungs were flattened and on my left side , the side of the impact, I felt sharp stabbing pains as I attempted to take breathes . I began breathing small short breathes attempting to dull the sharp pain stabbing at my lung. Steven and mom both looked so frightened and worried , both holdingmy hands or rubbing my forehead . 

As Iay there feeling more comfortable as the pain meds spread through my body I was able to relax and look around . Nurses entered with doctors all of which is still fuzzy , I know someone told me that they wanted to do xrays so steven walked with me down the hall to the xray room.

He stayed outside of the room as I enters the cold , sterile room. I was still on the hospital bed because the doctors were not sure what my injuries were so I was not allowed to be moved from the bed. As the x- Ray tech had to slide the x-Ray boards under my hips I realized I couldn't even lift my hips. At that moment I was frightened, and began to cry. I am not sure if was crying just from the pain or more so crying from now understanding that something wasn't right , not being able to remember the accident , and being alone in that cold sterile room.

After the X-rays I was returned to my room , greeted by my handsome steven walking me to the room and welcomed by my mom. So began the waiting period . More and more pain medicine was injected into my 

Iv, by this point I had three in. Two in my right arm and one in my left arm , wires pertruding from my hospital gown , my bruises beginning to show, I felt like a big freak show that everyone kept coming to see. 

The result crime back from the x-ray and they said they need to do more x-rays to check on my knee, spine, and back. Also that they needed to do a CAT scan, to be able to make sure I was okay. I was yet again rolled in my hospital bed towards anther room this time I was alone.

Rolling down the halls sti half drugged up from all the medicine , I see people walking around with their Ivs , children with families waiting to hear news about their loved ones, and people working , rushing around with papers and carts etc. I enter the room this time it's a bright , friendly environment. There was at least six people in there in hiding radiologists , xray techs , and nurses. 

I had always heard of CAT scans and seen them on house or greys anatomy but th second I was moved from my bed to the CAT scan machine I began feeling anxious , I asked how far was I going to be out into the machine , what sound does it make, how long will I have to be I there . I began feeling closterphobic and started crying asking them to please not put me inside of that machine . After the nurses calmed me down I sucked it up and allowed them to send me through. 

The "bed" you lay on to be entered into the machine was warm with blankets and actually comfortable , it began and I was slid into the machine through the dark entrance and was completely submerge er into the machine up to my eyes. After what seemed like hours I was done !

A feeling of relief came over me and I was again calm. I rode back to the room on the bed I had entred in and yet again greeted by the warm familiar faces of my mom and steven.  Now began the second waiting period which was stressful . We waited in the room to be notified as to what the results from all the X-rays and CAT scan were and what my next steps were. 

September 11th

        Part One : The Accident 

For myself and many others September 11th is a day we will never forget . Many lives were lost in the attack on the twin towers from workes in the building , to civilians on flights , and all the many brave souls who were apart of the rescue and clean up.  Now not only will i remember this day as a tragic loss for my country but as a day that changed my life for two reasons.

Septmeber 11th, 2013, was a day for most Americans is a sad day of remembrance of the lives lost due to the horrific terrorist attack . Now for me not only will I forever be changed by that event in our history but the same day this year my life changed forever.

I was on my way to work when I was involved in a terrible accident. My car was tboned and I remember waking up in an ambulance . Scared and in shock I still remember smelling the sterile space of the ambulance as I regained consciousness for the wreck. I was on the stretcher feeling the tight hold the straps of the gerany had I my body, and the smothering hold the neck brace had on my neck. Confused I looked around wanting to speak, cry, scream out and nothing was coming out of my mouth. I must have lost consciousness again because the next memory is waking up in the hospital being transferred from the gearny to a emergency department bed .

Until this point I had not felt pain , much less felt anything at all. I felt as if I was trapped inside my body unable to feel or speak. I was moved from the gearny to the bed and then it hit me. A exscruciating burst of hot pain in my pelvic region as if a hot knife had been thrusted into my lower back . I began screaming "no don't, please don't move me". As I see several unfamiliar faces rushing around me with brows furrowed, they begin  attatching iv's and leads to my body as I lay there helpless and lost. 

In order to asses the bruises, lacerations, and status of my body I was told " okay me. Rhodes we have to roll you on your side in order to take a look at your left side". I remember thinking okay just hurry and fix me , but all I could muster up was a nod of my head. As the doctors and nurses began to roll my body over I felt a pain that I had never felt before. I tight pressure began forming on my left hip, followed by a increasingly sharp pain , and then finally a immense pulling and burning pain shot through my hip all the way to my toes . During the shot of hot pain coursing through my left side a loud pop noise occurred followed by a numbing sensation. 

I suddenly found the strength to speak and yelled out loud " stop, my hip is out of socket". A look of confusion and worry painted the faces of my doctors and nurses as they gently laid me back down flat on my back . I was then left alone, laying there by myself with thoughts of confusion as to what happened , where was I , and slight wall of darkness slipped over me as I tiptoed in and out of consciousness. Finally a nurse walked in , after what seemed like hours, with a small clear siringe with no needle. I asked her "what is that ?" She then replied with a smile that seemed to be covering up just how worried she was and said " this is for you, something to take away your pain and help you relax". It was that moment when I realized something is wrong , all I could think is I need my boyfriend steven and my mom.

Once I had calmed down and the medication took affect, I was in a state of almost outer body experience. I felt like me but like I was watching everything that was happening from the corner of the room. I could see myself lying on the bed in a room that was big enough for a car to be parked inside. Lying on the bed ,stabilized by straps and a neck brace , I saw another nurse one who. I had not see before enter and she began asking me questions . I do not quite remember everything she had asked me , as it seemed like I was playing the game of twenty questions. Then she leaves yet another bout of solitary with me just attempting to understand what had just happened when a huge group of doctors and EMS personel entered the room. 

The tight , suffocating straps and neck brace remained snug and secure around my body holding me to a hard, flat plastic board. The team working on me grabbed all side of the board I laid on and picked me up , placing me on another gearny to be transferred back to the ambulance. I was hen told "ms. Rhodes you are being transferred to a hospital in Greenville , which is about an hour drive, where you will receive treatment for your injuries from your wreck". A sudden feeling of awareness swam over me like hot water from a shower, and then I remembered. The crash, the injuries, the pain , and just by hearing those words I was imidiately thrown out of shock and into a complete state of coherence. That moment I understood what had taken place and I wanted to just see, hear , or feel someone I knew and loved. 

As I was wanting , craving the feeling of normalcy and to see a familiar face I heard his voice. Warm and calm his voice flowed through my ears like sweet harmonized music and put me at ease. It was steven! My boyfriend had showed up just as they were about to roll me back into the ambulance and send me to Greenville. As soon as I saw his face I began to feel every ounce of pain, making me burst into tears. The EMS men placed me back into the ambulance and I was on my way to Greenville. 

I don't know how many of you have ridden in an ambulance but it is not a smooth ride. The effects of the pain meds begin to wear off and each bump , no matter what size , the ambulance hit I could feel the pain more and more each bump we passed over. The only comforting thing was knowing that Steven was followng directly behind the ambulance and tha soon I would be able to hug him and see his charming handsome face.